When I Lost My Joy… 

First… For those reading the title… I am fine now… Please read on and you will understand.

So, I have always thought I struggled with depression. I don’t tell everyone but I normally even take the smallest possible dose of Zoloft for anxiety. Well… My depression is nothing compared to what I have recently felt… All thanks to chemo and most likely my labs being off. 

I literally felt a sense of loss… Like nothing mattered and what was the point of living. Like we just live to struggle through life and then we die.  I completely felt a understanding of why some people feel like they are at rock bottom and finally commit suicide. Life didn’t matter, everyone could go on without me, I lost my joy in everything even though I have so much to be joyful for. 

Luckily, in my case, this was a temporary feeling and I was able to understand that it wasn’t right and that it was a new feeling. I was able to see that I do still have a ton to live for even though I wasn’t able to grasp why… Again luckily for me this was temporary and I am mostly normal currently and getting better every day. 

For some though, this is a daily feeling. I honestly used to think that suicide was vengeful or selfish… Which for some it may still be… But for others… They have literally lost their joy.  It’s not anyone’s fault. They are loved but just tired… It really doesn’t make sense but, I have grasped that feeling and now I empathize. 

The one friend who I mentioned this to, suggested I share it… And also suggested that it is quite possibly from being anemic currently thanks to the chemo.

So maybe, if you are feeling like you have hit rock bottom and your joy is gone, go get a CBC(Complete Blood Count)… Maybe you are lacking something there and if not, you have taken the steps to figure it out with your doctor so you are on the right track… Please keep going. ❤

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