Today I am nervous. Today I have my pre-op. I feel like I have so many preparations to get done. Prep my hospital bag, do 2 more Valentine’s for Delainey’s class… Because they got 2 new students, visit with friends and family. Think about the what if.
I certainly hope everything turns out ok on Monday but, a few days ago, I was reading about my particular procedure online and I found that they bring clergy in to pray with you prior to the surgery. While I definitely planned on praying… The idea that they bring someone to pray, scares me… Like I am being prepared… Just in case…
Aside from my c-sections, I have never had a real surgery and in my mind, this surgery is similar to my c-sections… Though MUCH longer and more invasive. Before my c-sections, no one came to pray with me.
I have read complication data on over 700 different patients who had the same surgery… And death was not an outcome for a single one of them… Not one… Over 200 had necrosis(tissue death)… Which I find to be a low number because I actually expect some necrosis… And 19 had a total flap loss… Which means their implant failed entirely…. If that happened… Well, I would be back where I planned from the start with no breasts at all so I guess that would be ok. .
Death though… Is scary… I am almost 100% sure it won’t happen… Just the idea that they prepare you is what makes me nervous.
Am I prepared though? Spiritually, yes. I have no fear of actually dying… My fear is not being here for my family… I know if I died, I would be ok but, it breaks my heart that our little girls and Scott would struggle with missing me. That their life would change drastically. All 4 of us love our life and I don’t want it to change for them.
Last night, I told Scott that if I died I want to be cremated and set free… In my mind, that is in the wind… But I guess the ocean would be ok… I think the wind though… So I could spread far and wide wherever the wind would take me. My body is just a body so it’s not like it really matters but… In my mind, that is what I prefer. I think Scott worries that he wouldn’t have a place to mourn… A grave site. For me, grave sites have always felt so empty… So lonely. With our travels, the people we love are all over the country… It just feels right to be set free.
A few months ago, a sweet friend of mine was preparing for a major surgery. She had a 50% chance to live… And she powered right through it… She is strong… And she makes me know, I will be ok. Thank you sweet friend. ❤
This is my brain rambling as I am getting closer to my surgery… All of my thoughts, all of who I am. I look forward to some day down the road, coming back and reading this and thinking back on who I was and how I got through this all.